The ultimate reason why parents worry a lot about their children is the fact that parents only want what is best for their kids. One of the many things that parents worry about is the issue of learning – learning in the sense that they feel that their kids should be hitting age-appropriate target behaviors.

Most parents worry that their children are not following the “requirements” of being a child. Isn’t a child supposed to be toilet trained by the age of 4? Aren’t 10 year olds supposed to make assignments on their own, without parental supervision?

One of the main reasons why a lot of parent and child relationships are problematic is the tendency of parents’ expectations to be too high. Although this is not to say that parents should be permissive or should be strict, parents should know when to set the limit. They have to know the actual potential and abilities of their kids before setting anything.

Recent studies show that a lot of parents make the mistake of expecting too much from their kids. Most parents expect their kids to do the things that they are not yet capable of doing, and then they judge them for not being able to “meet the standards”. But actually, thinking that way is wrong.

Parents often fall into doing an overly simple age-targeting, which is the reason why some kids have low self confidence. Parents should know that children develop differently, but it is actually forgivable if your child fails to excel in everything that she does. She may be doing really well in school, but she may also be a slow swimmer compared to her classmates.

Parents also look at things subjectively. That means that they have this standard set within a small group of children and base everything else from personal experience – they compare their kids to the neighbor’s children, or to a relative’s, and sometimes even to their own childhood itself.

You might be aware of it, but a lot of parents put extremely high expectations of their kids’ physical and psychological abilities. A number of child studies show that most parents consistently overestimate certain aspects of their child’s life. Like for example, a lot of parents get easily disappointed when their child do not meet their demands when it comes to self control, obeying instructions, performance, or even about their child’s social abilities. Worse, parents get too honest and real about this with their kids.

However, you have to understand that you do not have to be real with your kids. They need you as a parent, and not someone who treats them like little versions of someone else. They are not like you, or like any other child. They are not little adults, they are kids.

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It is a must for every parent to be acquainted with the concept of how behavior is shaped and affected by intermittent reinforcement. Simply put, this behavioral concept believes that a behavior will be definitely difficult to change if the consequences of that behavior are not predictable and are not given on a regular basis. This principle applies whether the consequences involved are good or otherwise.

Parents fail to be effective at shaping their child’s behavior simply because they are not sure about what makes negative reinforcement from punishment. There are even some parents who get so confused at these terms, they end up not knowing which behavior to reward and which one to discourage.

Intermittent reinforcement is very simple to understand. It believes that the best way for you to be successful at changing your child’s behavior is by being inconsistent about rewarding your child. If you reward your child every single time he does his homework, he will develop the behavior based on a distorted motivation. And in time he will learn to develop the no reward, no good behavior syndrome.

Casinos use the intermittent reinforcement principle as well. If casinos will let one player lose every single time he plays, he will not continue his game and get some rest. But if the casino lets the gambler play once in a while, he stays in the game and continues to play until he gets all exhausted or realize the obvious and heads home. That is why it makes some wonder why some people still continue playing even when they already lost half their fortune in a night.

So for example your child behaves well in the mall. Buy him his favorite meal or the toy that he wants once in a while and let him know that you are doing it because he is behaving great. Rewarding your child every now and then is as effective as taking your child home the moment he begins to throw a tantrum in order to stop an unacceptable behavior.

This is so effective; animal trainers do it all the time to reinforce a good behavior in their pets. They “treat every time” gradually reduces into praise and treat “every once in a while”. As time passes, the animal will continue the desired behavior consistently even when the reward is not always given.

However, you have to make sure that you are consistent with your standards when you give intermittent reinforcement – what is undesirable today, should be undesirable tomorrow, and the next day. So try and be consistent as you can when you respond to your child’s behavior.

Being inconsistent in your standards of what is acceptable and what is not will not help your child. Keep in mind that children are young and often confused. So your consistency is what will make things clear for them.

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No parent enters parenthood fully aware and prepared for the surprises parenthood brings. If all parents had a crash-course on parenthood, it would have been one of the easiest things to do. That is why when parents begin to notice that their child is ignoring the rules, they begin to panic as well.

The inevitable time will come when that cute little baby that you have nurtured and cuddled through the night becomes a determined preschooler who screams at you and demands that you turn the TV on, “right now”. Seeing your child act like that the first time could make you think back and evaluate if you have done something wrong to get that much hate from your kid. Although the emotion could be real, hatred is not exactly what your child feels.

It is understandable to feel violated and disrespected when your child yells at you or say something rude. It could be a real challenge to manage your emotions and not take things personally, in the same breath that it could be a challenge not to get your feelings hurt.

But if it is any consolation, it is actually a good sign that your child begins to challenge your rules and attempts to demand what they want. When your child breaks your heart without worrying about you not loving them afterwards actually means a developmental milestone. But still, it does not mean that the behavior is acceptable.

Parents have varying standards as far as discipline and acceptable behaviors are concerned, so you have to get to work and identify what feels acceptable and unacceptable to you.

When you hear your child say, “I hate you!” in a firm and loud voice, breathe and relax. Do not take it personally because actually, what he is trying to say is something like “I’m hungry or I’m exhausted or I’m scared” and so on.

Instead of making a fuss about it and taking it seriously, try some active listening and communication techniques so that you will be able to indentify what your child truly feels while letting him know that his saying it wrong. Try not to negate what your child said or you will end up in a power struggle, or give his words more power than they should have.

So when your child tells you something rude next time, say in a calm voice, “I know that you are upset because I won’t let you eat the cake before dinner, but yelling at me like that is wrong”. When you let your child know what is acceptable from otherwise, you will be in control and you will be able to reinforce your child’s boundaries without letting your emotions get in the way.

Searching for parenting help? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.