Your child has become a teenager. You have enjoyed the first thirteen years of raising your child. You worried about them all the time. You changed too many diapers to keep count and you watched in pride as they won the fourth grade spelling bee. You helped them through the struggles in life such as scraped knees and taking their first test at school.
Those years must have been the most difficult, right? They were totally dependent upon you and that took a great deal of your energy. Shouldn’t it be easier now that they are teenagers? They are more independent and don’t need your help in every situation. They can also help you around the house and in the garden. They can take care of themselves if you want a night out on the town. You can converse with them about subjects you will both enjoy, right?
So what goes wrong when they hit that-th Birthday??? In many cultures they would now be considered adults – old enough to marry, old enough to sit in the village council to listen to the debates with the elders. Yet in the West, the teen years seem, so often, to be full of strife and conflict. Why does this occur?
There are two parts to the answer: biology and culture.
The brain is complex. It is in a great state of growth and development during the teenage years. It is always growing, expanding, evaluating, and making links. These links build the foundation for memory, learning, perception, and social rationale.
From birth through age 12, your child’s brain experiences and learns a large amount. At birth the brain communicates through non-verbal means and by age 12 your child can communicate through effective verbal and reasoning means.
And then it all falls apart. Quite literally, during the teen years the brain completely re-wires itself. And while it does so, it actually LOSES some of its previous abilities and skills. This is most noticeable in the area of social communication. The teen years are, pre-eminently, a time of learning how to be a social being – how to form and maintain social attachments – to society, to friends and, of course, ultimately to a sexual mate.
Comprehending the ins and outs of the social scene can be difficult for their teenage brain. Their brain goes back and forth between its methods of operation during their pre-teen years and how they are expected to act as teens. This tug-of-war can make the social behavior of a teenager inconsistent and sometimes perplexing.
Add in to this a healthy dose of fluctuating sex hormones, plus some classical teenage sleep deprivation, and is it any wonder that more often than not they seem to be “loaded for bear”? Watch out, lest they bite your head off for no apparent reason!
Teens also have to deal with the different expectations placed on them now that they are older. They hear every day from many sources that they “should” be doing certain things and the definitions between normal and abnormal. Expectations for how they should act during each year of their teenage experience is detailed by their parents, friends, teachers, police, and society. It can be hard for a teenager to discern exactly how they should act when they have all these people forcing their opinions on them.
But there is a problem with expectations. Every time you have one, you have the potential for a problem. A behavior is only a behavior; until someone says that it “should not” be happening. Then, suddenly, it is a problem.
The combination of the varying expectations, sex hormones, and plain teenage angst cause your teenager to act like an angel one minute and a scounderel the next.
How do you cope with a teenager that is up and down in their emotions and actions? You can use some of these tips. When you have a fight with your teenager or you are just sick of what they are doing, take heed of the following:
1) Bickering and yelling will get you no closer to a resolution.
2) Your teenager wishes to have the optimal outcome as well. They are relying on the ability of their perceptions and skills which could vary greatly from yours.
3) Remember your teenager is still trying to sort life out and may not understand either why you are fighting.
4) Why is it such a potent problem? Whose expectation has not been met? Is this really a devastating problem in the big world of life?
5) Is there another way of motivating your teenager to comply, other than trying to bully him?
6) The teen years will pass – they will grow up. When they do, what kind of relationship do you want to have with them, and what memories?
Yes, have rules. Yes have expectations. But, at the same time, Mom, Dad, chill out a bit. Don’t totally alienate them – find some ways of having FUN again.
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